He was also known in some circles as Doctor Dick.
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In other news, a funeral was held today for Dr. Moe “Raze” Lester Child, M.D. Child was an extremely influential man in both the translation and medical fields.
For several years, he led the illegal fansubbing group Unlimited Translation Works (“UTW”) in delivering the highest quality illegal English subtitles for Japanese animation possible at no cost to its consumers. Over the years, UTW established a large translation portfolio of many major titles. Raze’s personal portfolio includes Fate/Kaleid Liner Prisma Ilya and Amagami SS. He also ran an illegal pornography ring known as Unlimited Fap Works (“UFW”) which specialized in the illegal translation of pornographic Japanese comics.
In the medical field, Raze was a licensed medical doctor specializing in the treatment of sexual ailments and the use of sexual intercourse to treat psychological and physiological ailments. He was also an influential and frequent publisher in the Journal of Geriatric Sexuality and passed on while confirming the conclusions of his research. He was well-known in the field as a very hands-on researcher, often participating in experiments using his own body. Many of his research subjects have described him as “the most amazing technician [they] have ever met” and “the doctor with the most magical hands you can imagine.” His final article, “Possessiveness and Jealousy in Primarily Lesbian Foursomes Including a Senior”, which he died performing final verification prior to publication, will be published posthumously in the Journal of Geriatric Sexuality.
Police have ruled Raze’s death as an accident. From the police report:
CHILD, Moe Lester, M.D., died at approximately 4:30 PM due to blood loss from several stab wounds to the stomach and back regions inflicted during an armed conflict including the victim’s primary nurse, the victim’s girlfriend, and one of the victim’s patients. The victim was not directly involved in the conflict. Over twenty marks from syringes were found on his arms and neck, all inflicted during the conflict. The victim’s genitals were also separated from his body. A coroner has determined that they were removed with a single stroke of a knife while still erect.
The conflict began at approximately 4:00 PM after the victim initiated sexual contact with the participants of the conflict as part of medical research. Eyewitnesses describe the conflict as “fucking-balls-to-the-fucking-wall fucking awesome, fuck” and have stated unanimously and repeatedly that they would “fucking pay fucking anything to fucking see it fucking again because it fucking was so fucking awesome, fuck.”
The whereabouts of his genitals are unknown at this time.
Information leading to the arrest of the patient, the nurse, or Raze’s girlfriend will be rewarded. Information leading to the successful recovery of his genitals will also be rewarded. It is not known which of the three involved in the conflict is in possession of his family jewels.
The funeral was funded by Raze’s long-time friend and associate in business, fotc, who also arranged the lavish cermony, grave plot, and headstone. The ceremony included a skydiving entrance and breakdance performance by Reverend __ar, accompanied by a soundtrack consisting entirely of remixes of AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” performed by DJ Daiz. The epitaph adorning the Italian marble and Nubian gold headstone, engraved by master mason Kusion, reads “Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead!” The reception was catered by Ershin’s Mandarin Orange Chicken and Snowmobile Rentals Shack with a laser light show and rave arranged by fnord. Renowned magician and escape artist goof was also present at the ceremony, displaying the heights of his art by entering the casket along with Raze’s cold, lifeless body; being buried under eight feet of solid dirt and cement; and magically reappearing from behind the inflatable purple gorilla bounce house.
In his spare time, Raze played the piano and sang opera. His true age was unknown; estimates range between 28 and 88.
In related news, UTW has announced that it will outsource work on Seitokai Yakuindomo Bleep (“SYD*”) to legal Japanese animation subtitle and streaming provider Crunchyroll. This announcement comes in the wake of several coordinated attempts on the lives of several members of the UTW staff. This station was able to contact one of the victims of these attacks. The staff member, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say with regards to the attacks:
My genitals are mine, you crazy fucks, all of you! No touch! No touch, I say, no touch! The next one of you who even tries to come near my genitals will have your own genitals ripped out and sent to the Los Angeles Times and the New York Times! Get the fuck away from me and stay away! Away, I say, you crazy fucks! Mine!
The move is a first in both the professional and illegal amateur subtitling industries, made possible only through the generous donations of UTW’s loyal followers, many of whom participated in the attempts on the lives of the UTW staff. When asked about the outsourcing move, the same anonymous staff member commented,
Why, the fine ladies and gentlemen at Crunchyroll are dedicated to providing audio, video, and subtitles of the utmost quality. How the devil could an amateur ever hope to perform at a level higher than a professional? By Jove, how could you ever even think that some fool amateur who doesn’t know a lick of Japanese could translate without an official script could ever rival Crunchyroll? Sickening, absolutely sickening, your mind. This move is wonderful, and I support it wholeheartedly. By the way, how do you like my bling? I bought it with donations from those stupid fans. Oh, I love it. It really brings out the color of my eyes. And it matches my antique gold pocketwatch, also bought with those donations! Can you believe it, they say Marduk himself once wore the gold that was forged into this watch! Oh, how I love Marduk and his adventures! You’ve never heard of Marduk? Devil be damned, you uncultured philistine! Go read a copy of the Enûma Eliš! It’ll do you a world of good! Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to take my Porsche for a drive. I had it painted with gold paint made with real gold. Ah, this is the life! We should really hold donation drives more often!
In a show of its strengths in the legal Japanese animation subtitling and streaming industry, Crunchyroll has already completed work on the series, with all episodes available for streaming on its website prior even to UTW’s outsourcing announcement.
